Previous post
Next post
Learning the Discipline of Joy
Dear Henry,
You would be three years old today. We only got to have one birthday party for you. And even though today is your birthday, I was the one who received a gift. You were a gift to me every day of your life and I am thankful for you. Your life and your death forever changed me.
One of the gifts your death has given me is the understanding that I can’t take away the bad, I can only add good. I promise to add as much good as I can for as long as I am alive. Even though you were the child and I the parent, it seems as though we have switched roles. I want to live a life that makes you proud of me. I want to live a life that honors your memory. Bitterness and anger won’t do that. Neither will selfishness and pride. Only love is supreme. A tender heart forever broken by love is all that I can give, and I give it gladly. I thought that love grew in a place of sunshine and happiness, but now I think it may grow best in soil sown with tears. I have shed many tears for you, and the more tears I have the more I love, and the more I love, the more tears I have. I love you Henry. I will always love you. Loving you means letting you go. Today I let you go and give you back to the Father. My love was always just a pale reflection of his anyway.
Today on your birthday, we sang a song for you. It wasn’t perfect. We couldn’t make a cake for you. We still don’t have baking soda or the other ingredients necessary to make a cake, and we are still figuring out where to get them. We still don’t have any candles, so we lit a match. We put it in a pain chocolate or “chocalatine” as it is known in this region. We sang happy birthday to you and thought of you with fondness. Your new baby sister sat with us to wish you happy birthday. It wasn’t perfect, but your death is teaching me that the imperfect can be beautiful. My life is more beautiful because of you. I will wait patiently until we can sing together in a place that is beautiful and perfect and where the perfect soil will not be mixed with tears. Until then, thank you for everything you have given me. Happy Birthday.
Love,
Dad
Suzanne says: You and your family are an inspiration. Though it has been a long time since I have seen or spoken with you, your posts remind me of the amazingly insightful soul you have always been. I know you have continued to learn and grow, and I know your loss has taught you and Sarah so much that you are still exploring. Thank you for sharing and allowing your distant friends to be a part of such intimate emotions.
Yasmina says: So pretty Josh wish you the best i am sure is proud to have a father like you and a family like yours thinking about him at every moment Angel Henry will wait for you in the sky
Sarah Watters says: This is a modification of the poem entitled to P.J. by Sonia Sanchez.
to Henny
if i could ever write a poem
as beautiful as you
little 2 year old brother,
I would laugh, jump, leap
up and touch the stars
cuz you are the poem i try for
each time i pick up pen and paper.
if i could ever write a poem as beautiful
as you, little 2 year old brother,
poetry would go out of business,
yes
poetry would go out of business.
3 Comments