Psalm 34:18, says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

We are discovering how much power there is in acknowledging and accepting our brokenness and vulnerability.  Throughout history God demonstrates His power through weak and broken humans.  Losing Henry has shown me just how weak and broken I am and how much I need Jesus.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, the Apostle Paul reflected upon how God’s power is made perfect in our weaknesses and said, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

To that end, we have invited people to share their stories of brokenness and God’s faithfulness and provision in times of suffering.  A dear friend has shared her powerful story of brokenness.  It illustrates how God can make something beautiful out of brokenness.  Here is her story.

I grew up in a home that gave a nod to God- mom sometimes recited the Lord’s prayer and the 23rd Psalm when tucking in my brother and me. We occasionally had pancakes and Bible stories on Sundays, but rarely made it to church. I was baptized at age 10 but didn’t even know what it meant. My home life with my parents, two older half-sisters and a younger brother was dysfunctional most of the time. As early as I can remember, there were explosive fights- screaming matches between mom and dad; and then fists through walls and windows, doors ripped right off their hinges, and chases down the street as my parents attempted to manage my lost pre-teen then teenage sisters.  I remember on many occasions being awoken hearing yelling and cursing; hearing the sounds of my sisters puking while I lie in my bed feeling sad and afraid.

By the time I was 7 my parents divorced and split custody of my brother and me every 2 weeks. One would assume that the nightmare would have ended there; but it was actually only the beginning as Dad started molesting me almost immediately after settling in his new house. God seemed very far away. My mother didn’t know what was happening. She was checked out and deep in her own struggles, as she lost her job shortly thereafter. With the aid of my grandparents mom went back to college at age 40 and was over-whelmed trying to hold everything together while taking a full course load. Even still I subconsciously blamed her for not protecting me and we had many, many epic fights. My life was something I wanted to escape.

When I was in the 7^th grade, my friend dragged me to the counselor’s office one morning and shared my secret. After more than 7 years of enduring molestation from my father it finally stopped and I never really saw my father again from that day. My school counselor called child protective services and legal charges were filed against my dad that day. He denied everything and hired a team of attorneys within the hour. We eventually went to court after many delays, but he was ultimately never convicted over a technicality. I was the one on trial. I felt very let down by the state of Texas court system. My entire court experience was almost as horrible as the molestation itself.

I fell into a deep depression afterwards and continued to become more and more self-destructive. I felt betrayed by the people in my life who were supposed to love me. I felt ashamed, dirty, unlovable, and out of control. And I was angry at the world and God for letting this happen to me. Meanwhile my brother and I had no supervision or guidance as my mom was still in school and now also working 40-hour weekends at the hospital to cover bills. We were very much out of control.  I call these my lost years. I still thank God we survived them.

On May 13, 1994, my 18th birthday, the Lord saved me. I was in a car full of people on our way home after a night of consumption at downtown Houston clubs. I was feeling overwhelming fear and guilt crushing me. I knew on that drive home that my life was going down the wrong path.  I felt so lost and was in utter agony. As the sun was rising, out of nowhere appeared a white cowbird across the highway. It flew in front of our car and I still remember the light catching on its wing. In that moment of light, I instantly felt an embrace and I heard audible words tell me “everything is going to be okay.” I felt an overwhelming peace wash over me. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my entire life. For the first time in my life, I felt safe.

2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation.

When I got home I went to sleep and prayed- really prayed- for the first time in my life. I remember saying “God if you really exist – please help me.” When I awoke that next day God answered my prayer and changed the course of my life.  I felt led to call my grandparents to see if I could move in with them. I remember feeling nervous because I wasn’t very close to my grandparents- only seeing them for a week each summer but not really knowing them very well. My grandma immediately answered the phone and said sure and I moved the following day. She said she didn’t need to speak with Grandpa first- that I should just come.

Life with my grandparents was stable, safe, predictable, orderly and harmonious. I enrolled in college and got a job waiting tables at the country club that very day. We went to church every Sunday and I joined the youth group. My grandparents and I ate dinner and watched Wheel of Fortune every night when I wasn’t working. My life was beautiful. …for a while.

Little by little, I began to forget about God however.  After a while in their safe and stable environment I didn’t think I needed God anymore. I drifted back to sleep spiritually, all the while seeking the approval of a fast group of friends. All through my 20’s I continued taking one step towards God and then two steps away. (I can really relate to the Israelites in the Old Testament whose obedience wavered.)

Proverbs 14:12  There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.

At the age of 30 I found myself entangled in toxic relationships and was headed, again, in a very wrong direction.  In deep anguish and unbearable pain I dragged myself to church one Sunday in October 2007.  I felt compelled to go. Sitting alone in the pew that morning during prayer I cried and cried and cried. Out came a lifetime of shame and hurt. Again I felt Jesus embrace me and heard Him say to me “everything is going to be okay.” I felt the peace that surpasses all understanding in that moment. Immediately my life took a 180-degree turn and started to get healthy. Immediately doors began to open to me that very Sunday afternoon.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.

About 6 months later, after hearing a powerful sermon on forgiveness, I saw my father in a new and different way and was led to forgive him. I didn’t see him as a monster anymore. It occurred to me that he is a child of God just like me, who is sick and was probably abused as a child himself. I realized that day driving home from church that it was for God to judge my father and not me. So after almost 20 years since I last saw him, I called my dad.

Luke 6:37 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

I was unprepared for what to say to him. I called information and then my dad just picked up the phone a few minutes later.  I remember shaking and unable to speak at first.  Finally, I told him I felt led to call and tell him that I forgive him for everything he did to me and that I hope he had a good life. I wasn’t expecting my dad to admit what he’d done or even to apologize but to my surprise he said he was sorry that he had hurt me.

After that phone call, my life changed in every single way possible. For one thing, I could breathe for the first time in my life. It was as if since childhood, I only had access to 20% oxygen and I was gasping for air my whole life and not even realizing it and then all of a sudden, my lungs were filled to capacity. More doors began to open up for me. The path of my life started to be lit up and I felt a force within guiding me along. I was offered a job to come and teach in the Middle East a few weeks later.  That following Christmas God prompted me to take a solo trip to Oklahoma to visit my 100 year old Grandfather (whom I hadn’t seen in 25 years). My father met me at the airport. Facing him was one of the most difficult experiences of my life, but I had a fierce strength knowing that God was with me and would never leave me.

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

That next year I earned my graduate degree in literacy instruction. I have felt such fulfillment through empowering children in my 10 years of teaching elementary school. That next year I also read the Bible cover to cover with my fiancé and in 2011, married my best friend. Since then we have had three healthy and happy children. I’ve also had the privilege of volunteering in children’s ministries for the last 9 years and feel such fulfillment helping children learn about the love and mercy of Jesus.  God continues to pour blessings into my life each day as I help raise my children in a home that is not perfect but Christ-centered, safe, and filled with love.

Psalm 40:2 God lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

What God has taught me:

1. To love others. When I was young and acting out so many people labeled me a bad kid. God gave me a heart to love others and to want to lift them up. I know that all of us are fallen and sinners, but I also know that when children and people act out, it’s a cry for help.
2. To give grace. I realize that everyone is hurting or has been wounded in some way. When others are unkind to me I ask God to help me resist the urge to be unkind back and remember that they’re hurting and pray for them instead.
3. To ask for what I need. As a young girl and throughout my life I never knew how to ask for what I needed. (Or wasn’t able to be vulnerable -especially with my mom.) I’m still learning that people around me are not mind readers and that if I’m hurting it’s up to me to reach out and seek help from those God has put in my path.
4. I’m worthy to God. I’ve struggled with feelings of unworthiness and shame. I have felt like an imposter for many years thinking to myself, “If people knew who I used to be…” I never felt good enough. For so long I’ve chased after the fickle approval of the world. But now I know that I’m a new creation in Christ and it’s only the approval and love of Jesus that matters.

Isaiah 55:12 12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

There is nowhere we can go and nothing we can do that can separate us from the love of God.  Romans 8:38-39, reminds us, “that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.”