I have been thinking a lot about blessings lately. What does it mean to be “blessed?” What is a blessing? How do we know when we are blessed? What does it look like? For the past ten years I have literally been living the life of my dreams. In South Florida I got to work at a big prestigious law firm. Sarah and I had no kids and we lived in a trendy historic neighborhood right downtown in a picturesque 1925 bungalow complete with its own tropical gardens and swim naked pool and outdoor shower. It was a vacation house that we got to live in every day. It was such a cool house that the local paper did a piece about the house and us. HGTV was even going to feature us on a show they were doing, but we had to decline because we were moving on to my next big dream – moving abroad.

Since I was in fourth grade I have wanted to live overseas. It has always been on my list of lifetime goals and in 2008 we got to do it. Since that time we have built a dream life. We have developed a huge community of close and supportive friends. We have had the opportunity to nurture any and every pastime we could think of – theater, language classes, gym time, intramural sports of every variety, ballroom dancing, bridge, basket weaving (true – Sarah not me), knitting, crochet and quilting, playing in a big band jazz ensemble, playing in a rock band, rock climbing, scuba diving, golf lessons, souk shopping, sailing, water skiing, desert camping – whatever we wanted to do – it was all possible. In addition to an awesome home life we have traveled all over the world, to forty-some countries with the kids. We have lived like rock stars. Work has also been unreal – better than anything I could have ever asked for. I have developed an exciting aviation law practice. I have bought and sold airplanes and helicopters and crisscrossed the globe working on huge deals.

On the family front, we had three beautiful and intelligent children, when we wanted, on our timetable. Our children were timed exactly as we planned – three years and one month apart for all three. Pregnancy was uneventful and deliveries were quick. We were focused on family and loved our three little munchkins. Our life was perfect. In a word, I was “blessed” beyond measure. I was living for myself and happy. By all worldly standards, I was a success.

Then on Wednesday night, August 3, 2016, I was about to get into bed when the phone rang. Sarah was in Florida with the three kids and I was back home overseas. I had been talking to Sarah just an hour earlier so I figured she was calling back to tell me something. Instead of Sarah, it was her mom, “Josh, something terrible has happened. Henry found a plastic bag outside of his crib while taking a nap and got it on his head. He isn’t breathing. He is in the ER with the doctors now. They are working on him. We will call back when we know more.” I hung up. I understood her words but my heart didn’t quite understand it. Was she saying that my little squirmy guy, my little force of nature might die? Surely that wasn’t the case. I went into Henry’s room and prostrated myself in front of his crib. I buried my face in the carpet and prayed a simple prayer – “Please God, don’t let my son die. Please God, don’t let my son die.” I repeated this prayer over and over. A short time later, the phone rang again. This time it was my ever-stoic father-in-law on the phone, only this time he was sobbing. “Josh” he said in a choked voice, “he didn’t make it. They couldn’t save him. I’m so sorry.” The call was quick. A bomb had gone off. I still couldn’t feel, really feel. It was all too much to take in.

It has been a little over a month since Henry’s death. I have so many thoughts and I want to record this journey and the growth that comes with it. My thoughts keep coming back to blessings. What is a blessing? What does that mean? Am I still blessed?

In this time of difficulty, I have been looking to the Bible and listening for God’s voice. Maybe God has an answer? How does God define what it means to be blessed?

In Matthew 5:3, Jesus talks about blessings.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Poor in spirit?! Wait a minute Jesus, I’m not sure you understand the definition of a “blessing.” Let’s try this again.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

If I am honest, I have done just the opposite over the past ten years of “blessing.” The verse for me would read more like this: “Trust in Josh with all my heart and lean on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge Josh, and I will make sure I do everything I want, get everything I want, pursue everything I want, and generally make myself happy.”

The pain of losing a child is like a forest fire that burns everything in its path – the plans you had for your baby, the life you knew, the goals you set for yourself, your understanding of success, everything. But in the wake of the fire’s destruction, new green shoots of faith sprout up, new questions and new answers. I know that this pain is leading me in a new direction. It is making me ask questions that I have not wanted to ask and give myself away in a way I have previously refused. I am reminded again and again of God’s words in Isaiah 55:8 that “‘My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord.”

What is a blessing? I am still not sure. I am learning that it looks a lot different from what I have always understood a blessing to be. Because of this pain, my life has been redirected, my gaze has been turned, and my goals changed. This growth would not have been possible without the loss. A supernatural change of course and redirection toward the things of God is a blessing, even when it comes through pain. For this blessing I am truly thankful. Do I still miss Henry? Absolutely, every single day. I will mourn for him for the rest of my time on Earth. But that’s okay. God tells me that I am blessed when I mourn, for I will be comforted. Let your blessings come Lord. Let them come even when I don’t want them. Let them come when I am unwilling. Let them come when I am unfaithful. Let them come and change me. Let me lean on your understanding. Guide me and make my path straight.